How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
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