summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
