Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Randomize
