hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
