she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
