did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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