I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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