My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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