Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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