guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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