Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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