I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
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