okay pat passed out under dana's car
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
