i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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