Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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