youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
