I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
if only i could text you this smell
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
zippers are such a cool invention
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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