I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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