nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
