God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
