just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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