The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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