I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
