note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
