Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
don't judge my taste in strippers
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
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