she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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