Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize
