you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
