Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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