I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
