I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
