Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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