okay pat passed out under dana's car
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
