and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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