put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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