Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
