The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
