I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize