when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
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