Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
