If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
