My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize