Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Randomize
