i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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