He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
