the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
