Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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