i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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