Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
