Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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