the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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