At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize