Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
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