So drunk its hurt
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
