Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
If lil wayne asked you to lick him like a lollipop I feel that you would willingly oblige.
Unfortunately I think I would lick most anyone's lollipop.
It's your form of community service; servicing the greater SDSU area.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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