I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
