Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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