somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
