Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
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